I have had my creative spark snuffed out by my own brain, my own depressive state and the terrible side effects of comparing myself to others. 'Comparison is the thief of joy' - it's a quote I once saw but have no idea to whom I ought to attribute it too; who ever it was that said that first was a bloomin genius, but they failed to give me a way to stop doing it so I guess they suck too.
Christmas is coming whether you like it or not (I don't) so I have been making little decorations and stuffing them with freshly hand ground cloves and cinnamon. Even with the double vision there are little 'me-designed' pieces of cross stitch on each, back and front and plans for felt robins with sparkly red breasts that will clip onto your tree branches. That's what I am up to when my hands and mind are doing what I ask of them; thought it would be nice to make them for friends and family as wee Christmas extras (and to give me something to do), but I also really hope that some might sell.
What is this desperate need to make a little money in order to validate my life?
The majority of my time is spent in bitter disbelief at my own life and the frustration I feel when I can't just fight the demons in my head. It's essentially me that is holding me back from living a fuller life, fuller than popping pills all the time and wasting my days on this Earth by sleeping on the sofa. I am not asking for much, just the ability to cope with life and not constantly feel threatened and confused to the point were I am practically and in some cases literally paralysed. But you don't need to know about that - I needed to write it but that's enough.
It won't be too long now until I start Umberdove's 'True Centre' course and I have faith that with some guidance and support from Kelly (she is incredible) I will get back on track. I feel as though she holds a map of sorts that will empower and guide me towards finding myself again. My creativity is all I have and though it will never make me special, it's the glue that holds the broken bits of this girl together. Even my Dr's see that and I will (fingers crossed) be starting another season of Art Therapy in the New Year.
So there you are all caught up with my not too exciting news and the reason for my blog silence. I wish it had of been for more productive and happy reasons... but hey, I always tell the truth.
Sending you all a big thank you for reading, a hug and a wish that your Autumn is crisp and delightful.