one crafty photographer's stumble through life :)

Saturday, 7 December 2013

Film projector eyes

Its been quite a while since I wrote here, well anything other than a Sweet Etsy Goodness interview. There's a really good reason for that but I have been reluctant to try and talk about it, to try and put it into words without you all slowly backing away from the crazy lady and not looking her/me in the eye..

I don't think I'm real. I am so distressed by life and my poor mental health that I seem to have disengaged from the world. I see my life as though it were a film, a rather boring film. Even when I do things that I know are enjoyable I feel nothing the next minute. My life is one of filling it up with doing things, or watching my hands do things and wondering why. I'm also losing time, sitting, staring.

I'm not sleeping enough, by far. Constantly exhausted I crave sleep all the time. My hands ache with trying to sew, my eyes are stingy and uncoordinated with it but it seems to be the thing that is keeping me going. Maybe to the point of obsession.

I feel overwhelmed, filled to overflowing with anger and frustration. I can't get a handle on life and nothing seems to help. Deep inside are many stories, many days out and photographs to share, new sewing projects, new ideas to keep me busy. I have it all locked away in my mind and in my little camera, I want/need to get them out.

I guess what I am saying is; I'm sick, I'm sick and I'm scared. Its not normal to feel you are idly watching a film through your eyes of someone's life, to get a jolt when those hands that are doing stuff suddenly touch you and you have to concede - 'they're mine'.

This isn't working, I don't know what I'm saying, what I'm trying to say. Basically I'm extremely unhappy to the point where I am withdrawing from reality. I guess I am silently crying for help.

4 comments:

  1. oh my dear love... i am glad you wrote that hard post. i can kinda relate. there will be others too, who will relate - at least somewhat. we must tell our truth. even when it seems crazy, stupid or boring. you ARE real. this is what you are going through right now and for what it's worth I love you, friend-ive-yet-to-meet and hope you just keep putting that one foot in front of the other (or one hand, as it is when sewing) and i think this too shall pass - one day. have you seen It's a Wonderful Life? i watched it last night for the very first time ever. Perhaps that might be an interesting movie to indulge in.... you never know who's lives are made better by yours. just sayin'.

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  2. *Hugs* one day at a time Carrie

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  3. Hey Carrie, I thought I had sent a comment here a couple of days ago. Just wanted to let you know that we are thinking about you and sending virtual hugs Tricia xx

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